"Come on, come on, come on, come on" ...
David Gray's song "A Moment Changes Everything" opens with a plea. It's an urgent, impatient plea that both Big Spoon and I have thought to ourselves many times this year. This song got me thinking about how everything really can change in a moment. Sometimes, you have control over the choices you make and sometimes, other people make choices outside of your control that still affect you.
All these moments ... the moment Big Spoon decided to email me on that dating website; the moment I said "yes" when he asked to marry me ... the moment we said our vows and promised a lifetime. The moment we discovered that a short-sighted college dean shut a door for Big Spoon. The moment last week when another dean and another university's department opened a door for Big Spoon to walk into.
Tonight, as I tidy our house and look forward to a much-needed day-date with Big Spoon tomorrow, my mind keeps revisiting those "moments" that lead us to this one: we're moving to Nevada.
I've known for about a week. I posted it on Facebook and Twitter, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it. Joy and sorrow are two emotions that should not mix. Bittersweet has taken on a completely new meaning for me as my reality shifted from "we think we're moving, we just don't know where" to "we're moving to Las Vegas."
All the little moments from my past are keenly important to me right now. They remind me how I got here. This wasn't an accident ... I made the choices that kept me in Tennessee that in turn lead me to Big Spoon. I made the choice to become his wife knowing all the while that this outcome was a very real possibility.
Big Spoon has been super supportive and understanding this past week. I didn't act very excited when I got the news. You see, the vast majority of my family lives here. My grandparents, my parents, both of my sisters ... a great deal of friends ... my alma mater ... 30 years worth of personal roots. I'm sad.
And I'm terrified.
My emotions change from moment to moment. Yesterday, I was so excited to start packing, get the house here sold, look for a new house. Today, I'm grieving. I just want to be the best wife I can be right now for Big Spoon and it's really difficult to feel as though I'm capable of that when I'm experiencing so many conflicting emotions. I know I'll get more excited the closer the time comes. Everything is still really new.
So, there it is. Big Spoon and I get a bright, shiny new start near the West Coast. He starts his new job in August. I'm going to try to keep my job in Nashville and become a telecommuter.
Wish us luck :)