This has been a particularly bad week at the Spoon house; not necessarily for me but for everyone around me. I've been struggling all week to pull myself out of a funk while simultaneously being supportive of my ever patient and loving fiancé, who actually had a very big week (some good, some bad). I don't feel like I've been "there" enough for him amidst a ton of family situations and a week-long headache. And I'm wrecked with guilt and conflicting priorities.
Wedding plans are going fine, but in the course of two weeks, I have found myself stressed to the max. Work is stressful, Big Spoon's work is ten times more stressful and I'm still learning ways to help him and be a good daughter and friend, too. These are the things people don't tell you about before you get married ... How hard it is to go from single to fiancée to wife; that learning how to take care of yourself and still be a support system for someone else has many challenges and many rewards. I guess people don't tell you because everyone figures it out for themselves.
I'm still learning.
When things are good and easy, we’re really happy and I love those times. I've never known a more supportive, loving and understanding person than Big Spoon. Our relationship has made my life better in so many varied ways and I can't ever thank him enough for being so good to me. During tough times, it’s normal for one of us to lean on the other and to pick up the slack, but this week, we’ve both needed to lean and those are some of the hardest days. Sometimes, it takes a series of bad days to help you really appreciate what you have and see where you are falling short. I’m madly in love with Big Spoon and I hope that I continue down this path of self-discovery of learning how to love him (and me!) better, to be a good wife and a better friend.
I've been thinking a lot about him and our upcoming nuptials as well as priorities this morning, obviously. I understand now how those old vows have stood the test of time: they are just as valid today as they have ever been.
... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.
I haven’t said them yet, but I already mean them with all my heart.