For Better or Worse

This has been a particularly bad week at the Spoon house; not necessarily for me but for everyone around me. I've been struggling all week to pull myself out of a funk while simultaneously being supportive of my ever patient and loving fiancé, who actually had a very big week (some good, some bad). I don't feel like I've been "there" enough for him amidst a ton of family situations and a week-long headache. And I'm wrecked with guilt and conflicting priorities.

Wedding plans are going fine, but in the course of two weeks, I have found myself stressed to the max. Work is stressful, Big Spoon's work is ten times more stressful and I'm still learning ways to help him and be a good daughter and friend, too. These are the things people don't tell you about before you get married ... How hard it is to go from single to fiancée to wife; that learning how to take care of yourself and still be a support system for someone else has many challenges and many rewards. I guess people don't tell you because everyone figures it out for themselves.

I'm still learning.

When things are good and easy, we’re really happy and I love those times. I've never known a more supportive, loving and understanding person than Big Spoon. Our relationship has made my life better in so many varied ways and I can't ever thank him enough for being so good to me. During tough times, it’s normal for one of us to lean on the other and to pick up the slack, but this week, we’ve both needed to lean and those are some of the hardest days. Sometimes, it takes a series of bad days to help you really appreciate what you have and see where you are falling short. I’m madly in love with Big Spoon and I hope that I continue down this path of self-discovery of learning how to love him (and me!) better, to be a good wife and a better friend.

I've been thinking a lot about him and our upcoming nuptials as well as priorities this morning, obviously. I understand now how those old vows have stood the test of time: they are just as valid today as they have ever been.

... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.

I haven’t said them yet, but I already mean them with all my heart.

Changes

Over the course of the last year, the changes in my life have forced a great deal of introspection-some for good, some for ill, but at least the "ill" parts have helped me to realize what I should be working on in terms of character and self-love.

The process of becoming a fiancé and soon, a wife, is something I might have ignored under different circumstances (I'll touch more on that later). Thankfully, I've had a long engagement that has helped me face the challenges and feelings associated with closing the door on one chapter of my life and opening the next; simultaneously accepting the shift in my identity to "wife" and remaining the person I am. It has also allowed me to deal with some past baggage and bring to the surface some things I am still struggling with - things that we struggle with as a couple. By no means am I suggesting that every woman who gets married should feel this way or deal with this set of feelings. On the contrary, I firmly believe that had Big Spoon not suggested that I go to Engaged Nashville, I might not have become aware of Unabridged Bride or The Conscious Bride. I wouldn't have met my new friend Krista or been connected with so many other wonderful ladies. I have Big Spoon to thank for that, among many other things. 

I believe that being in a relationship with Big Spoon has helped me to become a much better version of myself - a version of myself I always wanted to be, but needed this piece of my life's puzzle to finally get there. I have more motivation now and the stablizing effect of our relationship has done good things in many areas in my life (just ask my creative director).

I was a whole person when I met Big Spoon and that makes a huge difference to me. Had we met five years ago, I might not have been ready for a relationship this serious. I just wanted to take a moment to remind myself to be thankful for the process, for our relationship and for the experiences I had before I got to ... well, today.

I Love Big Spoon's Surprises

I got a dozen beautiful hot pink roses last night! I sooo love flowers ... Big Spoon has always been very cute about bringing them to me. Last night was no exception; he made up an excuse to go back to work, which was completely believable because his work schedule has been really demanding and stressful of late. While he was having dinner, I told him that I should go with him (I forgot to pick up a prescription. Whoops) and he exclaims "No! You can't go with me!" followed shortly by "it was just an excuse to go and buy you flowers!"

Of course, I felt bad about ruining the surprise, but the ruse was precious. I ran out to the pharmacy and when I got home, he followed me in with roses. 

The first time Big Spoon sent me flowers, he asked me beforehand if I would like that sort of thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he wanted to make sure that it wouldn't somehow embarrass me to get them at work (which he hand delivered the next morning). I love my Big Spoon. He is certainly a keeper.