A word of advice to anyone out there planning a civil ceremony and hoping to make it personal by using a friend or loved one to officiate: MAKE DAMN SURE WHAT IS LEGAL IN YOUR STATE. Read and re-read the marriage laws of your state. Cover your ass.
Over the weekend, Big Spoon and I made the decision to get married TWICE. This is by necessity as I am still refusing (and Big Spoon doesn't like it either) to let a perfect stranger perform our ceremony on our wedding day. Since a layman can't obtain an online "ordination" and it be legally binding in the State of Tennessee (by the way, the laws are quite ambiguous about this, but if something happens and you go to court some day down the road, bad things can happen), we have decided to have a friend perform our ceremony on the day of our wedding and actually have civil ceremony performed by the county clerk the morning of our rehearsal.
Great, right? All figured out, all legal. Except for the fact that no where we call will put us on a schedule of any kind. I keep getting "well, it's really early" and "call back closer to time." Really? Six months is too far in advance to schedule a 10-minute, in office civil ceremony?
How does this state function, seriously? I digress.
To be fair, the county clerk of my home town is a really nice person and he tried to help me, but he couldn't make any promises. It's more than I got out of Davidson or Sumner. Wilson was nice, too. I guess our only choice at this point is to wait until September and then attempt to make an appointment somewhere on the day closest to our actual wedding day.
So there ya go, folks. We're getting married twice.
Showing posts with label lessons learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons learned. Show all posts
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The (mostly) conscious groom
After reading Little Spoon's excellent post about being a Conscious Bride, I thought I'd share the negative emotions I've felt surrounding the process of coming together for life. Many of the things she described going through don't seem like they apply to me. I've lived away from my family for about half my life now, and all of my friends are similarly coupled and supportive, so I haven't felt a pull away from any of them.
However, there are other things that I'm dealing with that she's less likely to face. Having been married before, I'm ultimately concerned about making another life-long commitment. Though the marriage itself was cordial and good, my ex-wife and I ended up growing apart, in large part due to the evolution of my own beliefs and how those would impact the ways in which we would raise children. Thus, one of my worries is that somehow, one of us will change substantially enough to make history repeat itself. However, the fact that we've both grown through early adulthood makes me less concerned of that happening.
Another potential issue is that I had only really started to be a part of the singles scene before meeting Little Spoon. But it's not that I'm afraid we're rushing into things; I crammed a lot of dating into those few months, so I feel relatively confident that I've had enough experience to know she's right for me. No, it's that I'd had a few months of going grocery shopping, making my own dinners, doing my own laundry, and taking care of my own finances. The mortgage is in my name, as are all the utility bills. I took some time to ensure I could be emotionally self-sufficient, that I could rely on myself (leaning on friends and parents as needed).
In short, I made the transition to my life, not our life. The repercussions of joining our lives together - both financial and emotional - are scary. Already, Little Spoon has taken on some of the chores I'd gotten used to doing myself (and loathing more than occasionally). Nevertheless, there are still some times when I miss feeling totally self-sufficient. Earlier this week, I made dinner for myself largely because I wanted to convince myself I could still do it. However, it made me appreciate Little Spoon's efforts that way all the more. The prospect of entering into interdependency again is scary, mostly because I'm anxious about the huge life change that will be represented (through which I've already lived once) if things don't work out in the end.
Basically, my negative emotions are those that stem from a loss realized, from being once bitten and twice shy. I don't feel like I'm grieving; instead, I feel afraid. It's a different set of emotions. Hers are fueled by actual losses and coping with them, whereas mine are fueled by the fear of loss.
Do any of you have different sets of negative emotions about being married than your spouse-to-be? Have you talked about them with each other?
However, there are other things that I'm dealing with that she's less likely to face. Having been married before, I'm ultimately concerned about making another life-long commitment. Though the marriage itself was cordial and good, my ex-wife and I ended up growing apart, in large part due to the evolution of my own beliefs and how those would impact the ways in which we would raise children. Thus, one of my worries is that somehow, one of us will change substantially enough to make history repeat itself. However, the fact that we've both grown through early adulthood makes me less concerned of that happening.
Another potential issue is that I had only really started to be a part of the singles scene before meeting Little Spoon. But it's not that I'm afraid we're rushing into things; I crammed a lot of dating into those few months, so I feel relatively confident that I've had enough experience to know she's right for me. No, it's that I'd had a few months of going grocery shopping, making my own dinners, doing my own laundry, and taking care of my own finances. The mortgage is in my name, as are all the utility bills. I took some time to ensure I could be emotionally self-sufficient, that I could rely on myself (leaning on friends and parents as needed).
In short, I made the transition to my life, not our life. The repercussions of joining our lives together - both financial and emotional - are scary. Already, Little Spoon has taken on some of the chores I'd gotten used to doing myself (and loathing more than occasionally). Nevertheless, there are still some times when I miss feeling totally self-sufficient. Earlier this week, I made dinner for myself largely because I wanted to convince myself I could still do it. However, it made me appreciate Little Spoon's efforts that way all the more. The prospect of entering into interdependency again is scary, mostly because I'm anxious about the huge life change that will be represented (through which I've already lived once) if things don't work out in the end.
Basically, my negative emotions are those that stem from a loss realized, from being once bitten and twice shy. I don't feel like I'm grieving; instead, I feel afraid. It's a different set of emotions. Hers are fueled by actual losses and coping with them, whereas mine are fueled by the fear of loss.
Do any of you have different sets of negative emotions about being married than your spouse-to-be? Have you talked about them with each other?
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Conscious Bride
Confession: I've been working on this blog post for about two weeks now. I finished the book a while back, but just haven't found the time and the words to describe how good it is and why and what. You get the idea. Brace yourself for a lengthy post.
I've been feeling less like my normal self since the holidays. I'm not sure if it's because of the awful weather we've been having or I've simply allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I'm not sure, but what I can tell you is that I've begun the necessary grieving process. More on that later.
I first heard of the book The Conscious Bride at the Unabridged Bride workshop. Encouraged by Liza Hippler of Maiden to Married, I checked this book out at the library a few weeks ago and I am so glad that I did!
You can also check out the author's website Conscious Weddings; there are a lot of good articles there as well as recommended reading and excerpts from The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner (which I now own.)
Just a few days after starting to read this book, I found myself completely immersed in it, thinking about it and longing for the next time I could pick it up. Every bride should read this book. It has helped to refocus how I am viewing and experiencing our engagement journey.
We'll just start in the beginning ... a life-time commitment is scary, right? I was the girl who told people that I would never get married or have kids. Looking back, it was clearly a defense mechanism to shield me from getting too hurt when I went through guys like blue jeans just trying to find one that fit. Or, maybe because I was from a small town and that's just "what people do" that I continued fighting it through my early twenties.
Regardless, it's a leap that is both exciting and scary. The book talks about the reality of the emotional roller-coaster that being engaged and then married puts you through. People expect you to just glow and gush, but I didn't feel that way everyday. The fact is, I was freaked out for the first few weeks of our engagement. People kept asking me about it and I had to fake my excitement because that's what they expect, right?
Like many brides, I was denying myself feelings of anxiety and grief. I felt bad. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Why am I feeling this way?
Because I am going through a transition ... a rite of passage and the death of my former self and former life. Whoa! Say what? Think about it ... what changed for you socially, habitually, spiritually or emotionally after you became involved in your relationship? How did you feel after the proposal?
Separation has never been my strong suit. I hate losing touch with friends, even the ones who probably weren't all that good for me, but since becoming engaged, I've held my close friends closer and disengaged from other relationships I used to invest a great deal of time in. I've found that I enjoy visiting my family more now than ever ... and I believe it is because I now recognize the separation that must take place in order to commit my life to Big Spoon.
The book doesn't encourage you to drop everyone and become isolated for your future husband. What it does do is explain that these feelings are normal and that although separating from your past self is necessary, everyone you love and the good parts of you come along too.
Being 27 and having lived on my own for quite some time, the separation with family is not as difficult as separating with my single-self. My identity is changing. No really. I'm changing my last name, are you? That is the most concrete incorporation of your new self, but there are so many other subtle ways in which one changes.
Grieving your former self is important and I believe that it is why I've been so blue lately. I finally gave myself permission to grieve, to slow down and to think. I've been moody and probably hard to live with, but letting go of 27 years takes some work. I'm happy to do it. I'm more excited about the next 27 years than I have been about anything in my entire life!
I'll bring this entry to a close and just say this: being aware that some negative feelings are natural and not feeling guilty or confused is a big step toward sanity. Being conscious of the fact that all this planning will end in your marriage to your spouse and remembering that this journey - from engagement to wife - is a rite of passage. Cherish it, slow down and make an attempt to remember everything you can about it. Don't neglect your relationship for a wedding, but rather cultivate your relationship for your marriage as you plan for the big day.
I've been feeling less like my normal self since the holidays. I'm not sure if it's because of the awful weather we've been having or I've simply allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I'm not sure, but what I can tell you is that I've begun the necessary grieving process. More on that later.
I first heard of the book The Conscious Bride at the Unabridged Bride workshop. Encouraged by Liza Hippler of Maiden to Married, I checked this book out at the library a few weeks ago and I am so glad that I did!
You can also check out the author's website Conscious Weddings; there are a lot of good articles there as well as recommended reading and excerpts from The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner (which I now own.)
Just a few days after starting to read this book, I found myself completely immersed in it, thinking about it and longing for the next time I could pick it up. Every bride should read this book. It has helped to refocus how I am viewing and experiencing our engagement journey.
We'll just start in the beginning ... a life-time commitment is scary, right? I was the girl who told people that I would never get married or have kids. Looking back, it was clearly a defense mechanism to shield me from getting too hurt when I went through guys like blue jeans just trying to find one that fit. Or, maybe because I was from a small town and that's just "what people do" that I continued fighting it through my early twenties.
Regardless, it's a leap that is both exciting and scary. The book talks about the reality of the emotional roller-coaster that being engaged and then married puts you through. People expect you to just glow and gush, but I didn't feel that way everyday. The fact is, I was freaked out for the first few weeks of our engagement. People kept asking me about it and I had to fake my excitement because that's what they expect, right?
Like many brides, I was denying myself feelings of anxiety and grief. I felt bad. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Why am I feeling this way?
Because I am going through a transition ... a rite of passage and the death of my former self and former life. Whoa! Say what? Think about it ... what changed for you socially, habitually, spiritually or emotionally after you became involved in your relationship? How did you feel after the proposal?
Separation has never been my strong suit. I hate losing touch with friends, even the ones who probably weren't all that good for me, but since becoming engaged, I've held my close friends closer and disengaged from other relationships I used to invest a great deal of time in. I've found that I enjoy visiting my family more now than ever ... and I believe it is because I now recognize the separation that must take place in order to commit my life to Big Spoon.
The book doesn't encourage you to drop everyone and become isolated for your future husband. What it does do is explain that these feelings are normal and that although separating from your past self is necessary, everyone you love and the good parts of you come along too.
Being 27 and having lived on my own for quite some time, the separation with family is not as difficult as separating with my single-self. My identity is changing. No really. I'm changing my last name, are you? That is the most concrete incorporation of your new self, but there are so many other subtle ways in which one changes.
Grieving your former self is important and I believe that it is why I've been so blue lately. I finally gave myself permission to grieve, to slow down and to think. I've been moody and probably hard to live with, but letting go of 27 years takes some work. I'm happy to do it. I'm more excited about the next 27 years than I have been about anything in my entire life!
I'll bring this entry to a close and just say this: being aware that some negative feelings are natural and not feeling guilty or confused is a big step toward sanity. Being conscious of the fact that all this planning will end in your marriage to your spouse and remembering that this journey - from engagement to wife - is a rite of passage. Cherish it, slow down and make an attempt to remember everything you can about it. Don't neglect your relationship for a wedding, but rather cultivate your relationship for your marriage as you plan for the big day.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Lessons Learned: Planning your Nashville wedding more than a year ahead? Do NOT count on Two Rivers Mansion!
I've been busy with getting materials ready for reappointment at my job, so Little Spoon has been taking up the blogging slack. She's also been responsible for collating most of the info regarding new venues, and she was great at setting up all kinds of appointments with the new possible sites. At the risk of sounding whiny and emo, I want to summarize our saga with Two Rivers Mansion in the hopes of saving future brides and grooms the hassles we had with them. Click to expand the timeline.
So, what lessons did we learn from this scheduling debacle?
- February 23: We toured the mansion and decided that it would be a great place to have our wedding and reception. We wanted to put down our deposit immediately to reserve the date, but we were told that the Metro Parks department would not book the venue more than a year in advance. Nevertheless, we were penciled into the venue's datebook and made an appointment to deliver the deposit on Friday, October 9.
- May 27: Little Spoon e-mailed the gentleman who led our tour and penciled us in to confirm that we would be able to book the venue on October 9th. He agreed and confirmed that we were the only ones on the schedule at that time.
- August 9: Little Spoon e-mailed the venue's planner once more to ensure no one else had expressed interest in our date and offered to put down the deposit that week. She was told that we'd have to wait until October 9, but that we were still on to put the deposit down that day.
- September 29: Little Spoon e-mailed the venue's planner to set up the appointment on October 9th. He told us that someone else was now in charge of booking the venue, so he gave Little Spoon the contact information for the new planner. Little Spoon called her per the previous planner's instructions but received no response.
- October 2: Little Spoon e-mailed the new planner to set up the October 9 meeting because the new planner had not responded to Little Spoon's voice mail message.
- October 6: The new planner told us that the mansion had been booked for a Metro Parks event. Little Spoon contacted the old planner to confirm this and to see when that event had been booked and to inquire if it could be moved. The old planner said he would see if the event could be moved.
- October 7: We were informed that the event could not be moved. Little Spoon escalated to the appropriate head in the Parks service, who rebuffed us and refused to offer any assistance in finding a new venue. She insisted that their event had been booked since before February, but she produced no evidence of this claim.
So, what lessons did we learn from this scheduling debacle?
- If a venue refuses to take your money when you're ready to put it down, move on. Find another venue. Especially if your date is really important to you (as ours was to us - which is why we were trying to book over a year in advance!).
- Don't take being "penciled in" as anything remotely equivalent to "booked". We had too much faith in the good word of the scheduler, and it bit us in the rear. Hard.
- Don't take anyone's word regarding important aspects of your wedding. If it's important to you, sign a contract - for your own protection.
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