We can haz kittehs!

Little Spoon and I have been talking about adopting a fur baby or two for a while now, and in April, one of her friends at work found a stray who ended up having kittens. When Little Spoon found out about this, she immediately wanted to snatch one up. I demurred, worried about her allergies and our ability to take care of pets at this stage of our lives.

However, Little Spoon has gotten treatment for her allergies, which makes her much more able to deal with having cats around. We also have talked through the responsibilities entailed in pet ownership, and we realized that we'd probably be able to handle raising kittens just fine. Dogs would probably be too much work on account of the housebreaking, need to walk everyday or have a fence installed, and their general desire for lots of attention. It's one thing to have a kitty curled up beside me on the couch while I'm working that I can pet or play with until it gets bored. It's a whole other thing to have a dog whose playfulness and devoted energy know no bounds!

After talking about this off and on for weeks and letting the kittens grow up for more than six weeks, it finally came time to make a decision about them. We took a look at them today and found two that stood out from the rest of the litter. Neither of us had allergic reactions to them, so we drove them home! We chose to adopt two both to give them playmates during the day when we're at work and to give them another cat with whom to be socialized in feline behavior.

We initially thought of keeping them in the back seat with a towel to avoid overstimulating them. However, they cried on the way home, probably in shock at both the separation and the unfamiliar sensation of riding in a moving vehicle. We pulled over so that I could hold them while Little Spoon drove us to the pet store and then home. After a solid 15 minutes of crying instigated by the black one and joined intermittently by our chipmunk-colored one, they finally settled down and fell asleep on me. The black one fell asleep in the palm of my left hand, and the chipmunk-colored one dozed along my right shoulder. However, the one on my shoulder was slipping down, so I eventually got them both sleepily situated in my lap, where they stayed contentedly until we got home.

We've got a kitten-sized bed, dual ceramic food bowls with kitty chow and a stainless steel water dish, a litter box with litter and a scoop, and some little mice that the black kitty loves to gnaw on and growl at. Next up: a sisal scratching post, a mini-kitty carpet gym for them to play in, and some kitty nail clippers. We'll be scheduling them for wellness checkups, vaccinations, microchipping, and spaying/neutering in the near future. We're keeping them in a spare bedroom for the next week or two to let them adjust to their new surroundings and get used to where the food and potty are. We'll open the upper floor up to them and let them prowl around there for a couple of weeks before giving them free reign of the house.

Personally, I feel better about inviting them into our home after talking about the pros and cons of pet ownership. I needed to let the decision percolate for a while, but after giving myself time to weigh the options, I'm glad to be daddy to a couple of furballs. Ultimately, the minor loss of freedom is outweighed tremendously by the love they give, the companionship they provide, and the privilege of helping them grow into happy and healthy cats.

P.S.: I think I may be the kitty-crazier one of us two. The picture above? That's one of about 50 I took in the parking lot of the pet store with my camera phone. Along with three videos of them sleeping and jostling for position on my lap. Yeah, I'm kitten smitten already. More kitten posts will likely be coming soon.

Tuxedo shopping

Little Spoon and I went shopping for my tuxedo for the wedding today. She had made an appointment for us to go to The Men's Wearhouse to follow up on a deposit she put down that would let me get a free suit with five paid tuxedo rentals. She had already selected a nice ensemble (a one-button notched lapel tuxedo) that would give a minimal hit to the pocketbooks of our wedding account, groomsmen, and dads. Thus, all I had to do was figure out the colors I wanted. The person who took our order and my measurements was nice and helpful; once she got to us, it was a smooth and easy process.

That's what went right. Unfortunately, there were also a few hitches in our giddyup.

First, we had unwittingly made our appointment during the height of prom season. Our first clue about our inauspicious timing was the sight of a couple of prom goers tricking out with their tuxes. When I stepped through the doors, I was greeted by a flood of high school aged men swarming the counters. A couple of soon-to-be grooms were also there, but we were mere ripples in the sea of younguns.

Second, when it came time to talk ties, I also went on an old assumption that a preference for an ivory tie Little Spoon for me months ago still held true. Instead of asking her whether she still wanted me to stand out that way, I just assumed that it was and proceeded apace. I thought I was being the dutiful groom and compromising on the tie color after insisting on having tuxedos, but I was wrong. She now prefers black ties all around; I'll instead be set apart with the pocket square made of material we used for my Edgar Allan Poe tie on our third date. After getting back from the fitting, we talked about the tie color - it turns out Little Spoon went along with the ivory only because I seemed to acquiesce to the salesperson's preferences.

Now that we've clarified that I'll be in a black tie, we'll need to call the store back to correct the color. It's not a big deal, but it's a minor point that could have been clarified with better communication. Alas, the irritation I felt at being swarmed by prom guys made me struggle to wait my turn patiently instead of talking productively about the ensemble with Little Spoon.

Sometimes, you've gotta keep talking, even when you don't wanna.

Balanced Life or Wedding Obsessed?

Let's face it, for most women, planning a wedding is really fun. It can be an exciting, enjoyable experience that brings you closer to your family and friends and puts you in touch with your creativity. However, planning a wedding is also stressful, frustrating, and can easily cause the engaged couple relationship problems ... especially when there is an unbalanced focus on the wedding versus the relationship and "normal" life.

Although I don't believe that Big Spoon or myself fall into the "zilla" category, there is a level of wedding obsession of which I am guilty. While we're being honest, I never thought I would get married. Perhaps I've said it before, but by the time I was 25, I had dealt with the possibility that I would never meet anyone compatible and that I would be single the rest of my life. And I was more than okay with that. Which is why it is super weird that I am so wedding obsessed! Big Spoon was a big surprise. Even more surprising is his interest in planning the wedding together. As of April 13, we will be engaged for a year,  but only a couple for a year and a half. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of who we are as a couple outside of this wedding madness. There is SO MUCH PRESSURE to have the coolest, most DIY, most thrifty, gorgeous, unique wedding day EVA! And it sucks because it is so easy to get swept up in it.

That saddens me. It also saddens me that instead of dealing with some adjustment issues head on or what I want for my career (I'm in my 5th year and need to plan for the next 5) or making plans with friends or all the DIY projects I've been planning for the house, I prefer to throw myself into wedding planning and more often than not, things that do not matter a whit.

So why am I talking about this on our blog? Because we had a big, scary fight this week.

I'm ashamed of myself for putting the wedding before our relationship. I'm frustrated with myself for reading a dozen different wedding websites and blogs every single day when I have gathered all the inspiration and ideas we need. I'm upset that I'm having such a difficult time finding the balance that I know I need and "we" need. I'm mad because I've been so needy lately that I was ignoring Big Spoon's needs for my own.

After a few days, we've managed to get back on the same page, so to speak. I know that there will be more ups and downs getting to the wedding day and more necessary planning and "do"ing, but ultimately, it is just ONE DAY. I'd rather have a good marriage for the rest of my life with Big Spoon than a picture-perfect wedding day.

Active vs. reactive planning

As I've been thinking about the approaches Little Spoon and I take to wedding planning, I realize that I'm a reactive person by nature. It would seem that I do best when confronted specifically and concretely with a challenge (or set thereof) that I must overcome, particularly if I also have to confront a specific deadline. I also find that I can be most productive when rebutting an existing model or challenging a paradigm that's already been tested. To work with this style, I often have to make lists and set specific deadlines for my projects that include showing my results to other people - though it's tough!

So, how does this relate to wedding planning? Well, my personality continues to be reactive in wedding planning, whereas Little Spoon has been very active in generating ideas for the wedding. She's come up with lots of ideas on her own, and she's been scouring blogs and other wedding-related sites for inspiration. She's assembled color palettes, researched floral arrangements, examined lots of venues, and done lots of other active work to make the ceremony and reception come together.

And for that, I'm grateful. For me, sorting through all those details without any filter is tremendously aversive and overwhelming. I work much better when she comes to me with a few well-worked options and asks me to react to them. I feel like I can handle making those choices pretty easily, and if I feel like they're relatively final sorts of selections, I also feel happy about them.

So, are you more of an active or a reactive wedding planner?

The (mostly) conscious groom

After reading Little Spoon's excellent post about being a Conscious Bride, I thought I'd share the negative emotions I've felt surrounding the process of coming together for life. Many of the things she described going through don't seem like they apply to me. I've lived away from my family for about half my life now, and all of my friends are similarly coupled and supportive, so I haven't felt a pull away from any of them.

However, there are other things that I'm dealing with that she's less likely to face. Having been married before, I'm ultimately concerned about making another life-long commitment. Though the marriage itself was cordial and good, my ex-wife and I ended up growing apart, in large part due to the evolution of my own beliefs and how those would impact the ways in which we would raise children. Thus, one of my worries is that somehow, one of us will change substantially enough to make history repeat itself. However, the fact that we've both grown through early adulthood makes me less concerned of that happening.

Another potential issue is that I had only really started to be a part of the singles scene before meeting Little Spoon. But it's not that I'm afraid we're rushing into things; I crammed a lot of dating into those few months, so I feel relatively confident that I've had enough experience to know she's right for me. No, it's that I'd had a few months of going grocery shopping, making my own dinners, doing my own laundry, and taking care of my own finances. The mortgage is in my name, as are all the utility bills. I took some time to ensure I could be emotionally self-sufficient, that I could rely on myself (leaning on friends and parents as needed).

In short, I made the transition to my life, not our life. The repercussions of joining our lives together - both financial and emotional - are scary. Already, Little Spoon has taken on some of the chores I'd gotten used to doing myself (and loathing more than occasionally). Nevertheless, there are still some times when I miss feeling totally self-sufficient. Earlier this week, I made dinner for myself largely because I wanted to convince myself I could still do it. However, it made me appreciate Little Spoon's efforts that way all the more. The prospect of entering into interdependency again is scary, mostly because I'm anxious about the huge life change that will be represented (through which I've already lived once) if things don't work out in the end.

Basically, my negative emotions are those that stem from a loss realized, from being once bitten and twice shy. I don't feel like I'm grieving; instead, I feel afraid. It's a different set of emotions. Hers are fueled by actual losses and coping with them, whereas mine are fueled by the fear of loss.

Do any of you have different sets of negative emotions about being married than your spouse-to-be? Have you talked about them with each other?

The Conscious Bride

Confession: I've been working on this blog post for about two weeks now. I finished the book a while back, but just haven't found the time and the words to describe how good it is and why and what. You get the idea. Brace yourself for a lengthy post.

I've been feeling less like my normal self since the holidays. I'm not sure if it's because of the awful weather we've been having or I've simply allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I'm not sure, but what I can tell you is that I've begun the necessary grieving process. More on that later.

I first heard of the book The Conscious Bride at the Unabridged Bride workshop. Encouraged by Liza Hippler of Maiden to Married, I checked this book out at the library a few weeks ago and I am so glad that I did!

You can also check out the author's website Conscious Weddings; there are a lot of good articles there as well as recommended reading and excerpts from The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner (which I now own.)

Just a few days after starting to read this book, I found myself completely immersed in it, thinking about it and longing for the next time I could pick it up. Every bride should read this book. It has helped to refocus how I am viewing and experiencing our engagement journey.

We'll just start in the beginning ... a life-time commitment is scary, right? I was the girl who told people that I would never get married or have kids. Looking back, it was clearly a defense mechanism to shield me from getting too hurt when I went through guys like blue jeans just trying to find one that fit. Or, maybe because I was from a small town and that's just "what people do" that I continued fighting it through my early twenties.

Regardless, it's a leap that is both exciting and scary. The book talks about the reality of the emotional roller-coaster that being engaged and then married puts you through. People expect you to just glow and gush, but I didn't feel that way everyday. The fact is, I was freaked out for the first few weeks of our engagement. People kept asking me about it and I had to fake my excitement because that's what they expect, right?

Like many brides, I was denying myself feelings of anxiety and grief. I felt bad. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Why am I feeling this way?

Because I am going through a transition ... a rite of passage and the death of my former self and former life. Whoa! Say what? Think about it ... what changed for you socially, habitually, spiritually or emotionally after you became involved in your relationship? How did you feel after the proposal?

Separation has never been my strong suit. I hate losing touch with friends, even the ones who probably weren't all that good for me, but since becoming engaged, I've held my close friends closer and disengaged from other relationships I used to invest a great deal of time in. I've found that I enjoy visiting my family more now than ever ... and I believe it is because I now recognize the separation that must take place in order to commit my life to Big Spoon.

The book doesn't encourage you to drop everyone and become isolated for your future husband. What it does do is explain that these feelings are normal and that although separating from your past self is necessary, everyone you love and the good parts of you come along too.

Being 27 and having lived on my own for quite some time, the separation with family is not as difficult as separating with my single-self. My identity is changing. No really. I'm changing my last name, are you? That is the most concrete incorporation of your new self, but there are so many other subtle ways in which one changes.

Grieving your former self is important and I believe that it is why I've been so blue lately. I finally gave myself permission to grieve, to slow down and to think. I've been moody and probably hard to live with, but letting go of 27 years takes some work. I'm happy to do it. I'm more excited about the next 27 years than I have been about anything in my entire life! 

I'll bring this entry to a close and just say this: being aware that some negative feelings are natural and not feeling guilty or confused is a big step toward sanity. Being conscious of the fact that all this planning will end in your marriage to your spouse and remembering that this journey - from engagement to wife - is a rite of passage. Cherish it, slow down and make an attempt to remember everything you can about it. Don't neglect your relationship for a wedding, but rather cultivate your relationship for your marriage as you plan for the big day.

It helps to speak up

I know that I've been delinquent in posting here; I've been slammed with work and trying to get out from underneath it. Alas, that doesn't look like that's going to happen for at least another month or so. Of course, that didn't stop me from trying to be a people-pleaser; this time, though, it came to the detriment of our relationship.

Little Spoon had a dinner party with one of her friends set up for us on Saturday, and we were also slated to go to The Marriage of Figaro on Sunday. The problem was that I needed to work all weekend just to keep my head above water. However, I didn't want to disappoint Little Spoon by backing out on the dinner party, and I didn't want to give up tickets that were waiting in my name for the opera she said she'd always wanted to see. So I ended up playing the martyr, not really letting her know what was going on in my head and the direness of my straits.

As a consequence of my martyrdom, my mood grew progressively more foul throughout the weekend, and it became increasingly obvious that my counting the hours of lost productivity was doing neither of us any good. I felt so bad toward the end of Sunday night that I blew up in frustration after spending another half hour on the phone with my parents when I had just settled into a working groove again.

If I had been clearer about the time pressure I was under, Little Spoon would have been happy to release me from my social obligations so that I could get work done. She even offered not to go to the opera, knowing that it wasn't likely to be a ball of fun with my prickly affect. But noooooooo...I had to knowingly stretch myself too thin, with my mood and Little Spoon's feelings paying the price. After cooling off for a day, I apologized to her for being so upset. Nevertheless, if only I'd have thought about voicing my needs a few days earlier, the need for an apology would never have arisen.

It's amazing how much conflict speaking up for yourself in a healthy relationship can spare.