For Better or Worse

This has been a particularly bad week at the Spoon house; not necessarily for me but for everyone around me. I've been struggling all week to pull myself out of a funk while simultaneously being supportive of my ever patient and loving fiancé, who actually had a very big week (some good, some bad). I don't feel like I've been "there" enough for him amidst a ton of family situations and a week-long headache. And I'm wrecked with guilt and conflicting priorities.

Wedding plans are going fine, but in the course of two weeks, I have found myself stressed to the max. Work is stressful, Big Spoon's work is ten times more stressful and I'm still learning ways to help him and be a good daughter and friend, too. These are the things people don't tell you about before you get married ... How hard it is to go from single to fiancée to wife; that learning how to take care of yourself and still be a support system for someone else has many challenges and many rewards. I guess people don't tell you because everyone figures it out for themselves.

I'm still learning.

When things are good and easy, we’re really happy and I love those times. I've never known a more supportive, loving and understanding person than Big Spoon. Our relationship has made my life better in so many varied ways and I can't ever thank him enough for being so good to me. During tough times, it’s normal for one of us to lean on the other and to pick up the slack, but this week, we’ve both needed to lean and those are some of the hardest days. Sometimes, it takes a series of bad days to help you really appreciate what you have and see where you are falling short. I’m madly in love with Big Spoon and I hope that I continue down this path of self-discovery of learning how to love him (and me!) better, to be a good wife and a better friend.

I've been thinking a lot about him and our upcoming nuptials as well as priorities this morning, obviously. I understand now how those old vows have stood the test of time: they are just as valid today as they have ever been.

... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.

I haven’t said them yet, but I already mean them with all my heart.

Changes

Over the course of the last year, the changes in my life have forced a great deal of introspection-some for good, some for ill, but at least the "ill" parts have helped me to realize what I should be working on in terms of character and self-love.

The process of becoming a fiancé and soon, a wife, is something I might have ignored under different circumstances (I'll touch more on that later). Thankfully, I've had a long engagement that has helped me face the challenges and feelings associated with closing the door on one chapter of my life and opening the next; simultaneously accepting the shift in my identity to "wife" and remaining the person I am. It has also allowed me to deal with some past baggage and bring to the surface some things I am still struggling with - things that we struggle with as a couple. By no means am I suggesting that every woman who gets married should feel this way or deal with this set of feelings. On the contrary, I firmly believe that had Big Spoon not suggested that I go to Engaged Nashville, I might not have become aware of Unabridged Bride or The Conscious Bride. I wouldn't have met my new friend Krista or been connected with so many other wonderful ladies. I have Big Spoon to thank for that, among many other things. 

I believe that being in a relationship with Big Spoon has helped me to become a much better version of myself - a version of myself I always wanted to be, but needed this piece of my life's puzzle to finally get there. I have more motivation now and the stablizing effect of our relationship has done good things in many areas in my life (just ask my creative director).

I was a whole person when I met Big Spoon and that makes a huge difference to me. Had we met five years ago, I might not have been ready for a relationship this serious. I just wanted to take a moment to remind myself to be thankful for the process, for our relationship and for the experiences I had before I got to ... well, today.

Balanced Life or Wedding Obsessed?

Let's face it, for most women, planning a wedding is really fun. It can be an exciting, enjoyable experience that brings you closer to your family and friends and puts you in touch with your creativity. However, planning a wedding is also stressful, frustrating, and can easily cause the engaged couple relationship problems ... especially when there is an unbalanced focus on the wedding versus the relationship and "normal" life.

Although I don't believe that Big Spoon or myself fall into the "zilla" category, there is a level of wedding obsession of which I am guilty. While we're being honest, I never thought I would get married. Perhaps I've said it before, but by the time I was 25, I had dealt with the possibility that I would never meet anyone compatible and that I would be single the rest of my life. And I was more than okay with that. Which is why it is super weird that I am so wedding obsessed! Big Spoon was a big surprise. Even more surprising is his interest in planning the wedding together. As of April 13, we will be engaged for a year,  but only a couple for a year and a half. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of who we are as a couple outside of this wedding madness. There is SO MUCH PRESSURE to have the coolest, most DIY, most thrifty, gorgeous, unique wedding day EVA! And it sucks because it is so easy to get swept up in it.

That saddens me. It also saddens me that instead of dealing with some adjustment issues head on or what I want for my career (I'm in my 5th year and need to plan for the next 5) or making plans with friends or all the DIY projects I've been planning for the house, I prefer to throw myself into wedding planning and more often than not, things that do not matter a whit.

So why am I talking about this on our blog? Because we had a big, scary fight this week.

I'm ashamed of myself for putting the wedding before our relationship. I'm frustrated with myself for reading a dozen different wedding websites and blogs every single day when I have gathered all the inspiration and ideas we need. I'm upset that I'm having such a difficult time finding the balance that I know I need and "we" need. I'm mad because I've been so needy lately that I was ignoring Big Spoon's needs for my own.

After a few days, we've managed to get back on the same page, so to speak. I know that there will be more ups and downs getting to the wedding day and more necessary planning and "do"ing, but ultimately, it is just ONE DAY. I'd rather have a good marriage for the rest of my life with Big Spoon than a picture-perfect wedding day.

Assimilation

The process of combining stuff is potentially a difficult one, especially if both of you have lived separate lives for a while and have the household accoutrements to prove it. Many of Little Spoon's things are remaining in storage for the time being, though her cooking implements have certainly found a welcome place in the kitchen.

However, we seem to have our own reasons for resisting the unpacking and reassortment of the remainder of her belongings that haven't made the house their home. From her perspective, getting used to the idea of occupying so much more space seems perversely overwhelming, as it's always been easier for her to have a place for everything and everything in its place when there were far fewer places to store everything. She's also wanted to be respectful of where I've placed my things in the various closets, so she's been hesitant to move around my paraphernalia. Finally, she's also sometimes loathe to unpack when she sees other household tasks as demanding her attention, too.

I've been content to let things remain unpacked, too; however, my reasons are somewhat different. Part of it is the feeling that I'm giving up my house - that somehow my own autonomy is threatened by joining our possessions. In a way it is, but in what will ultimately be a good way. I'm having to relinquish the safety of having everything my way, of the convenience of being able to dictate how things are (or should stay the same) in favor of a collaborative decorating enterprise. I hadn't counted on how strongly merging belongings would affect me, but it is a symbol of the upcoming union of our lives. It's another challenge in growing together that forces us to confront our emotions and deal with them as a couple as best we can.

Here's hoping that it ends up being a truly mutual experience, rather than feeling like one of us is swamping the other into a collective of sorts :)