Perspective

I married my best friend 48 hours ago. The after-wedding reality is a bit more to deal with than I had anticipated. I'm not ready to talk about a lot of things, thus the blogging hiatus. However, I did want to put up a post today about perspective and the wedding day before the long break. I don't want to let slide the important lesson I'm being forced to learn.

Big Spoon was incredible this weekend. He was supportive, grounding, calming and helped me gain perspective when I lost mine. And I'm ashamed to say, I lost it a lot. He reminded me again this morning that despite everything, we're married now. We have the rest of our lives to look forward to and dwelling on one day isn't healthy for me or for us.

In the receiving line, my 80-year-old grandfather - with tears in his eyes - took us both by the hand and said "Always love one another and you'll have a long life. I know we have." Papa and Granny were married 62 years ago on December 11, 1948 when they were both 18 years old. Granny's aunt and uncle drove them to Franklin, KY and they married at the court house.

They don't have a single picture of their wedding day.

They don't have an invitation to frame, a dress to preserve or wedding keepsake to pass down. She probably didn't have any flowers. It didn't matter to them that they married at the court house nor do they really remember why they chose that. But 62 years later, they are still in love, still healthy and strong, and so very wise.

I got to spend one of the most important days of my life with my parents, parents-in-law, grandparents, siblings and their spouses as well as both our extended family and friends in a beautiful dress at a beautiful home beside my handsome husband.

If Big Spoon and I are married 62 years, I'll be the luckiest woman on earth. And nothing else matters.

Afterglow

This is going to be a short post.

I am going on a blogging hiatus. We're going to wait for pictures to come back, checks to clear, sanity to return and in general, adjust to married life. We are going to have a wonderful honeymoon in Mexico next month and once we're back, I'll share everything with you from our pictures to vendor reviews to our joys and disappointments. I'm drafting several posts in the meantime and will begin scheduling them to post starting Monday, November 22 (while we're in Mexico!).

I love being a Mrs. I love Big Spoon and I'm so happy that we're married.

4 Days

I finished my vows yesterday and edited them this morning. As terrifying as it is to read them aloud in front of 100 people, I know that the declaration I have written is from my heart (I cry every time I read it) and something I want Big Spoon to hear.

There is so much more I want to say, so I'm going to put it in a wedding day card.

The decorations are packed ... we've only to enjoy and celebrate now. The relief of it is ... wonderful. Knowing that I have nothing else to do but sit back and enjoy the next 4 days is fabulous! Big Spoon's parents arrive today and I have a day of pampering to look forward to on Friday.

Hope you all have a great week and congratulations to our readers who are getting married this weekend!

5 Days

I'm at home sick today and while making my lunch, I thought I would talk about this last week before the wedding.

I feel ... weird.

I don't know how to explain it. Obviously, I want the wedding day to hurry up and get here, but I want it to slow down too. I want more time to write my vows and I want my nails to stop breaking. I want more time to spend with Big Spoon this week and I want to know what he's thinking/feeling.

We're both so busy. So, so busy and I finally managed to make myself sick with stress. 

On the positive side, I feel really great about our wedding. With everything completed, I can finally see how it will all come together and I'm proud of mine and Big Spoon's efforts in planning our wedding day. It's been a roller coaster, sure, but I'm glad he was along for the ride and taking an active role in the decision making process. I love him for it.

I'm feeling a little disconnected with my family, however. I haven't seen my sisters/bridesmaids since my bridal shower in August. They couldn't make it to my Bachelorette Brunch and I guess with creating a new family, there is a certain amount of falling away from one's own to make way for the new.

I feel like Big Spoon and I have already done that, to an extent. We have started a little family that consists of me, him and our two baby cats. Our home feels like home. He feels like home. I fully anticipate feeling different after the wedding ... feeling more connected after we say our vows and promises.

Dressed to the 9s

source

I've been away at my annual conference, and it's been a particularly rough one for me this year because I'm branching out into a whole new line of work that I've never done before and that's insanely technically complex. It doesn't help that the person who was helping me out and training me moved away a few months ago...and left work undone that I was counting on. Now I'm flying by the seat of my pants and hoping it works out.

But I wouldn't be able to been able to get out for this conference without Little Spoon's help. She packed my bag for the conference, making sure I was dressed nicely, had all my toiletries, and got me some snacks so that I could have cheap but reasonably healthy meals instead of having to eat out all the time that I'm here. I know that she sometimes feels like she doesn't do enough to help me out. But she's been a huge help to me in laying the foundation for me going here, and she's been a sympathetic ear when I've had things go wrong (e.g., losing my notebook with all of my notes of cool ideas, finding out I need to do even more analyses to complete my posters).

Thank you, Little Spoon, for helping me get through this conference. I'm not sure I could do it without out, and I look forward to being back in your arms, helping us surge through the remainder of our wedding preparation.

11 Days

Big Spoon and I will be spending 5 of our last 11 days as fiancé/fiancée ... apart! This morning, he left for a conference on the other side of the country and won't be back until late Sunday night. We got up at 5:45 (which is crazy early for us) and I came in to work early.

I miss him already.

While he's away, I have tons to do. So much to do, in fact, that I'm more overwhelmed than excited about our upcoming wedding. My job decided to get really busy the three last weeks before the wedding. Awesome, right?

There is so little time to blog and there's a really good chance that there will only be a few more posts before the big day. I have to clean the house and make a big batch of chili ahead of time so that Big Spoon's parents have something to eat and a fresh bed to sleep in when they arrive next week.

I'm also still working on my damn shoe bling (worst DIY idea ever, by the way) and getting the finishing touches on a few decorations. Did I mention I haven't organized everything yet or finished washing our linens? Yeah. At least I've already started the wedding day envelopes. Boo yah! Almost finished there.

I'm putting off the OOT bags (all 5 of them) until my FMIL gets here. Of course, I will do theirs and it will be a little more elaborate, but any help is appreciated and she has offered numerous times.

I have to write my vows while Big Spoon is away (he is doing the same) and my bachelorette brunch is Saturday.

I'm worn out just writing all of this.

14 Days or 2 Weeks

We're here. In two weeks,we'll be husband and wife. It's a really powerful thing to think about.

Big Spoon and I managed to sneak in some quality time tonight between work and wedding. We reflected on how people keep asking us if we are excited and to be honest, the answer is "not really." We are both feeling the same thing, but afraid to say to the other "I'm tired of this wedding." But, we really, truly are. There is so much drama, stress and anxiety surrounding planning an event this large and important that it surprises me more couples don't elope.

I know over the past month or so, I've wished a few times or more that we had done just that.

What helps is knowing that amidst all this chaos, we both know that it's just a wedding and our marriage is important. Big Spoon said "I want my future wife back." And I said on someone else's blog yesterday "I just want my life back."

How strange that such a wonderful, joyous event could bring out those emotions just weeks before it happens. It's true that I am hugely, personally invested in how this event goes, how things look and what people think. But it's much more important to me that instead of insisting I keep working on the thank you notes or organizing the decorations, we sat for an hour or more and talked about things. Sometimes, I'd rather do that than anything else in the world.

He knows that I know the wedding is an obsession at this point, but I also know he knows that I try hard to not make it the only thing. We still talk, still play with our kittens, still go out to eat. And guess what? We'll do all those things and more after the wedding.

And we are so ready for the day after the wedding. The day of freedom. No more pressure, no more expectations other than those of our marriage and life together. It's a wonderful thing to think about.

68 Days

No major "to do list" updates today. I haven't been very concerned with it over the past week or so. I've been introspective, sorta low-energy, dealing with planning hiccups and busy writing our ceremony.

We had a good weekend, overall, and spent lots of quality time together (and with the kitties!). I finished writing our ceremony. That's a big deal. On my short two-day trip this Thursday, I've made it my goal to write my vows. I think all this introspection is moving me toward something and putting me in the frame of mind to actually write from my heart. That sort of thing is difficult when you feel overwhelmed by things to do and places to go and people to please. 

In two months and a week, I'll be someone's wife. I will no longer be just Little Spoon - I will be Mrs. Spoon. And as strange as it sounds, I still think of things in terms of "I can't believe this is happening to me."   It is both confusing and exciting. I don't feel like I'm turning in to someone else or abandoning my old self, but being challenged to become a better version of myself. I'll have a new last name and a new role. That's heavy stuff.

I've been reading a lot of Practical Wedding lately and strangely, lots of posts about calling off weddings and divorce. Why? Because I need to be sure that I'm sure. I need to open my mind to every possible outcome and be 100% secure in my decision to become Big Spoon's wife and to accept Big Spoon as my husband. So far, at the end of every one of those stories, I feel better. I feel sure of what I'm doing. Confident, even, that my reasons for marrying are not superfluous.

People always told me that relationships are hard work, but I never really had the opportunity to find out before Big Spoon. Dating for me meant that boyfriends stuck around for two to six months, or worse, about a week. Being in a relationship with Big Spoon has taught me a lot about communication and hard work. It isn't all rainbows, but I finally became wise enough that I don't expect it to be.

When we first became engaged, it was a lot easier to immerse myself in wedding planning than to deal with these life changes - sometimes I would stick my head out of the water long enough to really think about what was happening, but I would get sucked back in again and again. The closer we get to the wedding, the more I think about my reasons, our relationship and what life will hopefully be like for us "after."

After, after, after. Is that where the phrase "happily ever after" came from? I know I'll sure be happy "after" the wedding is over. It's been fun, it's been real, it's been real fun ... but I'm looking forward to that living that experience 68 days from now. I'm ready for married life to begin.

For Better or Worse

This has been a particularly bad week at the Spoon house; not necessarily for me but for everyone around me. I've been struggling all week to pull myself out of a funk while simultaneously being supportive of my ever patient and loving fiancé, who actually had a very big week (some good, some bad). I don't feel like I've been "there" enough for him amidst a ton of family situations and a week-long headache. And I'm wrecked with guilt and conflicting priorities.

Wedding plans are going fine, but in the course of two weeks, I have found myself stressed to the max. Work is stressful, Big Spoon's work is ten times more stressful and I'm still learning ways to help him and be a good daughter and friend, too. These are the things people don't tell you about before you get married ... How hard it is to go from single to fiancée to wife; that learning how to take care of yourself and still be a support system for someone else has many challenges and many rewards. I guess people don't tell you because everyone figures it out for themselves.

I'm still learning.

When things are good and easy, we’re really happy and I love those times. I've never known a more supportive, loving and understanding person than Big Spoon. Our relationship has made my life better in so many varied ways and I can't ever thank him enough for being so good to me. During tough times, it’s normal for one of us to lean on the other and to pick up the slack, but this week, we’ve both needed to lean and those are some of the hardest days. Sometimes, it takes a series of bad days to help you really appreciate what you have and see where you are falling short. I’m madly in love with Big Spoon and I hope that I continue down this path of self-discovery of learning how to love him (and me!) better, to be a good wife and a better friend.

I've been thinking a lot about him and our upcoming nuptials as well as priorities this morning, obviously. I understand now how those old vows have stood the test of time: they are just as valid today as they have ever been.

... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.

I haven’t said them yet, but I already mean them with all my heart.

Changes

Over the course of the last year, the changes in my life have forced a great deal of introspection-some for good, some for ill, but at least the "ill" parts have helped me to realize what I should be working on in terms of character and self-love.

The process of becoming a fiancé and soon, a wife, is something I might have ignored under different circumstances (I'll touch more on that later). Thankfully, I've had a long engagement that has helped me face the challenges and feelings associated with closing the door on one chapter of my life and opening the next; simultaneously accepting the shift in my identity to "wife" and remaining the person I am. It has also allowed me to deal with some past baggage and bring to the surface some things I am still struggling with - things that we struggle with as a couple. By no means am I suggesting that every woman who gets married should feel this way or deal with this set of feelings. On the contrary, I firmly believe that had Big Spoon not suggested that I go to Engaged Nashville, I might not have become aware of Unabridged Bride or The Conscious Bride. I wouldn't have met my new friend Krista or been connected with so many other wonderful ladies. I have Big Spoon to thank for that, among many other things. 

I believe that being in a relationship with Big Spoon has helped me to become a much better version of myself - a version of myself I always wanted to be, but needed this piece of my life's puzzle to finally get there. I have more motivation now and the stablizing effect of our relationship has done good things in many areas in my life (just ask my creative director).

I was a whole person when I met Big Spoon and that makes a huge difference to me. Had we met five years ago, I might not have been ready for a relationship this serious. I just wanted to take a moment to remind myself to be thankful for the process, for our relationship and for the experiences I had before I got to ... well, today.

Marriage Laws and the State of Tennessee

I now pronounce you ... completely flabbergasted! Never before planning our wedding did I realize how restrictive some state's marriage laws are written.  Let me preface this post by saying we are fortunate to be able to get married. Some people don't have that right and it is truly disheartening. I realize that gay marriage and civil unions are many years away for the Bible Belt states, but Tennessee makes it difficult for heterosexual couples who aren't religious to marry as well. Unless of course you want a complete stranger performing your non-religious ceremony and if that is the case, read no further.

Before you call bullshit on me, I'll give you a run down of our officiant journey: One of the first things that drew Big Spoon to my online profile was the fact that I had listed myself as an agnostic. Typically, I would have left that section blank, but after years of struggling to understand what I do and don't believe, something in me must have decided it was time to own up to the fact that my personal belief system does not match those of my religious upbringing.

Without going into a big discussion about religion and inadvertently offending some of our readers (including my family), I will say that Big Spoon and I came from vastly different backgrounds but ended up in essentially the same place, religiously speaking. He just became more educated in the process, receiving an undergraduate degree in Religious Studies.

Taking all of the above into account, it is really important to us to have a marriage ceremony devoid of any mention of God, Jesus, Muhammad, Yahweh, Zeus, Q,  whomever. It is also important to us to have someone we know and care about solemnize our marriage. And that's where the trouble starts.

The T.C.A marriage laws are vague at best, and at worst, restrictive. Maybe I'm not interpreting them correctly, I'm certainly no lawyer. However, I'd like to include here a list of the information I've gathered based on our needs, which is a legal marriage solemnized by someone we know.

• The county clerk cannot require proof that an officiant is, in fact, a minister or other authorized person. Op. Tenn. Att’y Gen. 87-151 (9/17/87).

• The traditional marriage rite of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), whereby the parties simply pledge their vows one to another in the presence of the congregation, constitutes an equally effective solemnization.

 • ULC ordinations (and in some readings, all online ordinations) are not recognized by the State of Tennessee, but that isn't actually written into law. It's based on interpretation of the law. Unless your marriage came up after death, during an inheritance case or divorce, the State isn't going to challenge your marriage.

 • Your choices are a religious leader or a state official. There are no in-betweens like public notary or a one-time pass like California offers, for example. According to general sessions court of Davidson Co., you cannot go through court to obtain a "one-time" pass for a lay-person to perform a marriage ceremony.

 • In the State of Tennessee, you may apply for a marriage license in any county and marry in any county, regardless of where you live. I can't find a link to prove this, so check with your county clerk's office.

 • Your minister does not have to turn in your marriage license. You may turn it in yourself, just be sure to do it within 3 days of your ceremony so that it is legal. (I called the Davidson County clerk's office and asked this question specifically.)

After considering many creative options, we are still trying to decide what is both right for us and what is legal. My current fury at the State of Tennessee and it's "laws" is palpable (by the way, we did receive international recognition for our dumb-ass-ery over the new handgun bill.) It's as if the state's law makers got together and decided they would intentionally ignore the rights of anyone who deviates from the norm. We have a right to get married by someone we have a personal relationship with. Everyone does.

To tell you what we'd really like to see happen is our friend Ryan performing the ceremony, it be legal and call it a day. It's not likely to go down that way. We can "interpret" the law to suit our needs, but there is still a level of uncomfortableness with doing so. There are a few "online ministries" out there - including First Nation Ministry- that seem quite legitimate and say that it's legal to perform weddings in Tennessee. Granted, they are getting about $39.99 a pop for these certificates. Our one other favorite option is to ask an old mentor of mine from High School days who is currently the mayor of my hometown. We could even have them both.

I'll keep you updated. Any lawyers out there who can help us out or give us a more clear explanation of any of the above, PLEASE feel free to drop us a line. Or two. Or seven.

Links you can use:

T.C.A. Marriage Laws, Davidson Co. Clerk's webpage
TN County Clerk List
Marriage Laws by State
50-State Rundown on Gay Marriage Laws
article about states who do not recognize "online" ordinations
First Nation Ministry - State Marriage Laws / Wedding Officiants

Balanced Life or Wedding Obsessed?

Let's face it, for most women, planning a wedding is really fun. It can be an exciting, enjoyable experience that brings you closer to your family and friends and puts you in touch with your creativity. However, planning a wedding is also stressful, frustrating, and can easily cause the engaged couple relationship problems ... especially when there is an unbalanced focus on the wedding versus the relationship and "normal" life.

Although I don't believe that Big Spoon or myself fall into the "zilla" category, there is a level of wedding obsession of which I am guilty. While we're being honest, I never thought I would get married. Perhaps I've said it before, but by the time I was 25, I had dealt with the possibility that I would never meet anyone compatible and that I would be single the rest of my life. And I was more than okay with that. Which is why it is super weird that I am so wedding obsessed! Big Spoon was a big surprise. Even more surprising is his interest in planning the wedding together. As of April 13, we will be engaged for a year,  but only a couple for a year and a half. Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of who we are as a couple outside of this wedding madness. There is SO MUCH PRESSURE to have the coolest, most DIY, most thrifty, gorgeous, unique wedding day EVA! And it sucks because it is so easy to get swept up in it.

That saddens me. It also saddens me that instead of dealing with some adjustment issues head on or what I want for my career (I'm in my 5th year and need to plan for the next 5) or making plans with friends or all the DIY projects I've been planning for the house, I prefer to throw myself into wedding planning and more often than not, things that do not matter a whit.

So why am I talking about this on our blog? Because we had a big, scary fight this week.

I'm ashamed of myself for putting the wedding before our relationship. I'm frustrated with myself for reading a dozen different wedding websites and blogs every single day when I have gathered all the inspiration and ideas we need. I'm upset that I'm having such a difficult time finding the balance that I know I need and "we" need. I'm mad because I've been so needy lately that I was ignoring Big Spoon's needs for my own.

After a few days, we've managed to get back on the same page, so to speak. I know that there will be more ups and downs getting to the wedding day and more necessary planning and "do"ing, but ultimately, it is just ONE DAY. I'd rather have a good marriage for the rest of my life with Big Spoon than a picture-perfect wedding day.

Sick spoons

(from Haunt Style)

Little Spoon and I have both been sick over this past week, likely as a result of all the various virii and bacteria going around during our recruitment party. We've both had to miss work on account of our illness, and only today do we feel like crawling out our our hidey-holes and rejoining the world of the living. I've got to get out today to test the waters and make sure I'll be OK to work tomorrow.

Our shared illness demonstrated the divergent ways we deal with being sick. Little Spoon wants to get closer, to be cuddled and caressed. It reassures her and gives her physical comfort when she's feeling icky. In contrast, I want to hide away and isolate myself. In part, I don't want other people to get what I have (and I thought we may have had different illnesses until yesterday), but physical contact also makes me feel worse when I'm ill. When I feel diseased, I don't want to contaminate other people; I also don't want others to contaminate me if I can see signs of sickness. Needless to say, I would not have done well working in a leper colony.

However, we had to compromise regarding our differences in dealing with being sick. Little Spoon agreed to our sleeping in separate rooms, a policy I'd always recommend when our sleep schedules were totally whacked out, each of us had hacking coughs at different times during the night, and runny noses precluded us from staying still. We also tried to stay in separate parts of the house while we were recovering at home. In turn, she came to me when she needed some physical closeness, asking just for a back massage or some snuggle time so that she could feel connected to me. Though I was sometimes reluctant to do this on account of not wanting to cross-contaminate her, once I realized we were dealing with the same sickness, I was much happier to be close with her.

Now that we're on the mend, I'm hoping that we can get ourselves synchronized again. I'm actually looking forward to resuming a regularized schedule at work to guide me, and I think it'll help me feel better psychologically.

Oh, and happy Valentine's day!

Music Monday: If I didn't have you...

...somebody else would do. Or so says Tim Minchin.


Blasphemy! you might say. Surely, there's something special about the person with whom you're destined to be. Your (future) spouse is unique, irreplaceable, and somehow specifically fated to be with you and only you. Or so says the myth of the soulmate.

One of the most harmful myths ever to crop up in romantic lore.

I view the notion of "soulmate" as tremendously harmful to relationships because it perpetuates the notion that somehow, there's only one person who's perfect for you. And when even minor problems crop up, it becomes clear that the relationship (and hence your theoretical soulmate) isn't perfect, so your "true" soulmate must be somewhere else. Relationship after broken relationship is left in the pursuit of the perfect person. Unfortunately, the perfect is the enemy of the good.

In reality, there are a number of people with whom you could be successfully married. Now, the vagaries of circumstance severely limit that pool of available people, and the process of dating is largely about encountering someone with whom you share compatible values, goals, and coping mechanisms.

However, the thing that makes married love feel so unique is the particular series of trials and tribulations you face together and surmount, along with the joys and triumphs you achieve. As you build a life together, you weave a story that marks your lives together, incorporating the high and low points into a narrative tapestry that (in hindsight) looks like it was fated to be constructed that way.

However, this process happens in any long-term relationship. As long as you've got someone compatible enough who you'll enjoy through the long haul and who is a good support for you, you'll eventually make your own story that feels as if it was written between soulmates.

The (mostly) conscious groom

After reading Little Spoon's excellent post about being a Conscious Bride, I thought I'd share the negative emotions I've felt surrounding the process of coming together for life. Many of the things she described going through don't seem like they apply to me. I've lived away from my family for about half my life now, and all of my friends are similarly coupled and supportive, so I haven't felt a pull away from any of them.

However, there are other things that I'm dealing with that she's less likely to face. Having been married before, I'm ultimately concerned about making another life-long commitment. Though the marriage itself was cordial and good, my ex-wife and I ended up growing apart, in large part due to the evolution of my own beliefs and how those would impact the ways in which we would raise children. Thus, one of my worries is that somehow, one of us will change substantially enough to make history repeat itself. However, the fact that we've both grown through early adulthood makes me less concerned of that happening.

Another potential issue is that I had only really started to be a part of the singles scene before meeting Little Spoon. But it's not that I'm afraid we're rushing into things; I crammed a lot of dating into those few months, so I feel relatively confident that I've had enough experience to know she's right for me. No, it's that I'd had a few months of going grocery shopping, making my own dinners, doing my own laundry, and taking care of my own finances. The mortgage is in my name, as are all the utility bills. I took some time to ensure I could be emotionally self-sufficient, that I could rely on myself (leaning on friends and parents as needed).

In short, I made the transition to my life, not our life. The repercussions of joining our lives together - both financial and emotional - are scary. Already, Little Spoon has taken on some of the chores I'd gotten used to doing myself (and loathing more than occasionally). Nevertheless, there are still some times when I miss feeling totally self-sufficient. Earlier this week, I made dinner for myself largely because I wanted to convince myself I could still do it. However, it made me appreciate Little Spoon's efforts that way all the more. The prospect of entering into interdependency again is scary, mostly because I'm anxious about the huge life change that will be represented (through which I've already lived once) if things don't work out in the end.

Basically, my negative emotions are those that stem from a loss realized, from being once bitten and twice shy. I don't feel like I'm grieving; instead, I feel afraid. It's a different set of emotions. Hers are fueled by actual losses and coping with them, whereas mine are fueled by the fear of loss.

Do any of you have different sets of negative emotions about being married than your spouse-to-be? Have you talked about them with each other?

The Conscious Bride

Confession: I've been working on this blog post for about two weeks now. I finished the book a while back, but just haven't found the time and the words to describe how good it is and why and what. You get the idea. Brace yourself for a lengthy post.

I've been feeling less like my normal self since the holidays. I'm not sure if it's because of the awful weather we've been having or I've simply allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I'm not sure, but what I can tell you is that I've begun the necessary grieving process. More on that later.

I first heard of the book The Conscious Bride at the Unabridged Bride workshop. Encouraged by Liza Hippler of Maiden to Married, I checked this book out at the library a few weeks ago and I am so glad that I did!

You can also check out the author's website Conscious Weddings; there are a lot of good articles there as well as recommended reading and excerpts from The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner (which I now own.)

Just a few days after starting to read this book, I found myself completely immersed in it, thinking about it and longing for the next time I could pick it up. Every bride should read this book. It has helped to refocus how I am viewing and experiencing our engagement journey.

We'll just start in the beginning ... a life-time commitment is scary, right? I was the girl who told people that I would never get married or have kids. Looking back, it was clearly a defense mechanism to shield me from getting too hurt when I went through guys like blue jeans just trying to find one that fit. Or, maybe because I was from a small town and that's just "what people do" that I continued fighting it through my early twenties.

Regardless, it's a leap that is both exciting and scary. The book talks about the reality of the emotional roller-coaster that being engaged and then married puts you through. People expect you to just glow and gush, but I didn't feel that way everyday. The fact is, I was freaked out for the first few weeks of our engagement. People kept asking me about it and I had to fake my excitement because that's what they expect, right?

Like many brides, I was denying myself feelings of anxiety and grief. I felt bad. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Why am I feeling this way?

Because I am going through a transition ... a rite of passage and the death of my former self and former life. Whoa! Say what? Think about it ... what changed for you socially, habitually, spiritually or emotionally after you became involved in your relationship? How did you feel after the proposal?

Separation has never been my strong suit. I hate losing touch with friends, even the ones who probably weren't all that good for me, but since becoming engaged, I've held my close friends closer and disengaged from other relationships I used to invest a great deal of time in. I've found that I enjoy visiting my family more now than ever ... and I believe it is because I now recognize the separation that must take place in order to commit my life to Big Spoon.

The book doesn't encourage you to drop everyone and become isolated for your future husband. What it does do is explain that these feelings are normal and that although separating from your past self is necessary, everyone you love and the good parts of you come along too.

Being 27 and having lived on my own for quite some time, the separation with family is not as difficult as separating with my single-self. My identity is changing. No really. I'm changing my last name, are you? That is the most concrete incorporation of your new self, but there are so many other subtle ways in which one changes.

Grieving your former self is important and I believe that it is why I've been so blue lately. I finally gave myself permission to grieve, to slow down and to think. I've been moody and probably hard to live with, but letting go of 27 years takes some work. I'm happy to do it. I'm more excited about the next 27 years than I have been about anything in my entire life! 

I'll bring this entry to a close and just say this: being aware that some negative feelings are natural and not feeling guilty or confused is a big step toward sanity. Being conscious of the fact that all this planning will end in your marriage to your spouse and remembering that this journey - from engagement to wife - is a rite of passage. Cherish it, slow down and make an attempt to remember everything you can about it. Don't neglect your relationship for a wedding, but rather cultivate your relationship for your marriage as you plan for the big day.

I Love Big Spoon's Surprises

I got a dozen beautiful hot pink roses last night! I sooo love flowers ... Big Spoon has always been very cute about bringing them to me. Last night was no exception; he made up an excuse to go back to work, which was completely believable because his work schedule has been really demanding and stressful of late. While he was having dinner, I told him that I should go with him (I forgot to pick up a prescription. Whoops) and he exclaims "No! You can't go with me!" followed shortly by "it was just an excuse to go and buy you flowers!"

Of course, I felt bad about ruining the surprise, but the ruse was precious. I ran out to the pharmacy and when I got home, he followed me in with roses. 

The first time Big Spoon sent me flowers, he asked me beforehand if I would like that sort of thing. I'm not sure why, but I think he wanted to make sure that it wouldn't somehow embarrass me to get them at work (which he hand delivered the next morning). I love my Big Spoon. He is certainly a keeper.

Holiday Cheer

Big Spoon and I had a good Thanksgiving vacation,  even though we have both done a lot of work over the past few days. Big Spoon has been trudging through work projects all week and I have been cleaning, shopping and decorating for the holidays.

We had a great time with my parents, grandparents and siblings - especially my niece and nephew, who seem to just get funnier every year. 

My future-in-laws are coming in on Christmas Day, we're hosting a holiday party for the students working in Big Spoon's lab and we'll potentially be having friends over for New Years Eve. Thus, I've put forth a great deal of effort to make the house look festive! So far, I have our main tree up in the living room, a tree in the upstairs window and garland on the railing.

I really love decorating and hosting and I'm looking forward to having people over. It is definitely more exhausting than my little apartments of yesteryear, but I'm liking the results.  I'll try to keep up Music Monday through the holidays, but there won't be much else to read, I'm afraid. Holiday time = wedding planning/writing break time!

Thoughts on Planning a Budget Wedding

A dear friend of mine, who has been an active participant in my wedding planning process, got engaged on Halloween. She and her fiancé will be getting married exactly three weeks after we do. There's a whole lotta planning going on! A few days later, she text messaged me "where do I start?." Hey, I'm not an expert (yet), but it helps a lot to start with the money. 

I consider us a budget couple. Right from the start, we were on the same page about finances. You know, the "big stuff." We have a few differences, interests and quirks that make us a well-rounded couple (doesn't everyone?), but money matters is not one of them. When we developed our wedding budget, I shot high, he shot low and we met in the middle. We feel like the amount we are spending is reasonable and most importantly, sane. We even have a separate checking/savings account for the wedding. Does this mean we can hire a specialized vendor for everything under the sun? Nope. We had to prioritize.

Perhaps "Simple and Sane" could be our other wedding mantra, but however we spin it, my goal is to create a day that is reflective of who we are and what we value most. So far, its been more than fun to plan the wedding together and with our loved ones. At the end of this adventure, I want to reveal our budget breakdown, just like {The Thirty-Something Bride}! For now, I’ll settle for telling you a few of the things we’ve passed on paying for and what we’ll be doing ourselves:

• Flowers – The aforementioned friend works for a wholesale florist. She’s hooking me up (and she’s really really good!)

• Coordination – Again, my amazing friend will be handling this for me. I love her. 

• Videography – I love professional wedding vids, but honestly, its going to be one of those things that never gets watched or looked at. No, really. I’ll ask a friend with a handheld.

• Transportation – Eh. This was a no-brainer because neither of us really care. I have a new car named “Hatch” and he’s gonna be sporting a $2 Martha “Just Married” banner like whoa.

• Expensive Wedding Cake – Big Spoon let me work this one out for myself. I blogged about it a lot. Here and here. Oh, and here too. We’ve found a local bakery for fractions of the cost of other vendors. Hellooo real wedding cake!

• No Alcohol – Big Spoon doesn’t drink and our families don’t drink. It is also a two-hour reception. That isn’t long enough for me to feel safe serving alcohol. 86 the booze.

• Other – No professional lighting, no bridal portraits, no day-after shoots, no “second” dress for the reception, no bouquet or garter toss. 

• Invitations – I’m ever-so-happy to be designing our wedding stationery! I’m cutting some corners, DIYing and the like to make it all wonderful and affordable.



So, those are my current thoughts on the budget. Do whatever makes the most sense for you as a couple, but don't sell your firstborn child in order to pay for one day. 

It helps to speak up

I know that I've been delinquent in posting here; I've been slammed with work and trying to get out from underneath it. Alas, that doesn't look like that's going to happen for at least another month or so. Of course, that didn't stop me from trying to be a people-pleaser; this time, though, it came to the detriment of our relationship.

Little Spoon had a dinner party with one of her friends set up for us on Saturday, and we were also slated to go to The Marriage of Figaro on Sunday. The problem was that I needed to work all weekend just to keep my head above water. However, I didn't want to disappoint Little Spoon by backing out on the dinner party, and I didn't want to give up tickets that were waiting in my name for the opera she said she'd always wanted to see. So I ended up playing the martyr, not really letting her know what was going on in my head and the direness of my straits.

As a consequence of my martyrdom, my mood grew progressively more foul throughout the weekend, and it became increasingly obvious that my counting the hours of lost productivity was doing neither of us any good. I felt so bad toward the end of Sunday night that I blew up in frustration after spending another half hour on the phone with my parents when I had just settled into a working groove again.

If I had been clearer about the time pressure I was under, Little Spoon would have been happy to release me from my social obligations so that I could get work done. She even offered not to go to the opera, knowing that it wasn't likely to be a ball of fun with my prickly affect. But noooooooo...I had to knowingly stretch myself too thin, with my mood and Little Spoon's feelings paying the price. After cooling off for a day, I apologized to her for being so upset. Nevertheless, if only I'd have thought about voicing my needs a few days earlier, the need for an apology would never have arisen.

It's amazing how much conflict speaking up for yourself in a healthy relationship can spare.